sarabear (sarabear) wrote,

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how pathetic

it's almost 4am, and i'm still awake. why? because it's my last night to stay up late, and god damnit, i'm not going to bed until i can't type anymore! monday is my last day of being hickman line free. *sigh* here's a spiffy little image of what it actually is.

my last 2 hickman lines exited from underneath my skin right inbetween my boobs. i'm hoping that the surgeon on tuesday won't make it exit higher up on my chest because i don't want big gaping holes all over my body. i've already got one big ugly scar, so they might as well use it. you know? =P

but, i won't think about that just yet. i'm going to enjoy sleeping in on my tummy, because i can't lay on my tummy when that stupid tube thing is sticking out of me. *grrr* let's just hope that my 3rd hickman line doesn't get fucked up like my last one. that was not fun.


on to the rest of my weekend. yay =) saturday i woke up at 10am after going to sleep at 4am. why? i don't know. i couldn't fall back asleep either, so i went through the day on 6 hours of sleep. i wish i could've stayed at the club later than 2:30 on friday night, and i found out today that andy came *back* after he took everyone home, so i *would* have had somebody to talk to. *hrmph* oh well. =P

anyway, zane came over later and we played "grand theft auto 3" on ps2. that game kicks ass!!! stealing cop cars, beating down prostitutes, and running over people never gets old. i could play that game for hours... hehehe. sick, huh? i'll have to convince my brother to bring his ps2 into the hutch for me. yay. hopefully i'll have a game cube though. zane said he would brave lines at toys'r'us for me on sunday the 18th. i want one i want one i want one i want one!!!!!! and god damnit, i deserve one. so zane better push and shove his way through the sea of bellevue blonde housewife hair and get me one.

oh, and i want the blue one, not the black one. hehehehehe. =) at least i already have my copy of "luigi's mansion" reserved. game cube game cube... mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine!!!!!! if only i could read japanese... i'd order a japanese game cube and all of the japanese versions of the games. the japanese one has a dvd player in it too. =P lucky bastards.

i will get one on the 18th. =I

so, back to my weekend. zane and i went over to phil and jamie's apartment in the u district. they had a hello kitty sticker book and 3 packs of stickers for me when we got there =) they are SO nice!!!! jamie went hello kitty crazy and she got me a light up play castle, a coloring book, crayons, a squishy doll, tons of erasers, band-aids, and lastly the sticker book. she's so sweet! =)

we all went out to dinner at this restaraunt right next to where my old oceanography class used to be. i forget what it's called... acqua verde or something like that. the steak tacos were yummmmmmmmmmmy. zane tried to get me to eat catfish. *i* *don't* *think* *so!* there's something disgusting about the word "catfish," at least, to me there is. i have no intention of ever eating it, but he keeps trying. silly boy.

after dinner we were going to go to ruby's so they could all get a drink, but when we walked by the varsity (sniff), we noticed that "iron monkey" was going to start in 20 minutes. yay!! so, they slammed drinks at ruby's and we made it in time for the previews. it was a shame though, cause they showed a preview for "from hell" which i had already seen, and then one for "the one" which my brother said wasn't as good as he had hoped. ohwell. iron monkey kicked ass!!!!!!! i had no idea it was going to be as cheesey as it was, and the final fight scene was AMAZING!!!!! i was laughing the whole time, and i really, really enjoyed it. yep yep, go see it.

afterwards zane dropped me off, and i watched the last hour of a pretty shitty saturday night live before finally passing out.

at least i slept in til noon today. that's more normal sara sleeping behavior.

the antibiotics that the doctors at the hutch have me on are making me sick. i've had them before, and i told the doctors that they made me sick. for some reason, this antibiotic is the best for pre-transplant patients, and they decided that they would "desensitize" me to it. so for 2 weeks i've been taking gradually increased doses of this shit, and 2 days ago i reached the full dose. guess what? i got sick! i feel like i'm going to puke. =P hopefully tomorrow after my consultation they can put me on something else, or give me something to counter act what this shit is doing to me. i don't need to go into radiation therapy or the hospital already feeling like i'm going to throw up, you know? bastards. de-sensitize my left NUT!


so, i lounged around today, played more grand theft auto 3, and went out to dinner with zane and my parents to casa vallarta. mmmmmm, chicken chimichanga. YUM. i scarfed as much restaraunt salsa as i could, because after i go into the hospital, i won't be able to eat salsa put on the table at restaraunts for a long-ass time. the same thing goes for any side of sauce that restaraunts give you. no ranch or tartar or barbeque or anything. apparently the chances of me getting a food borne illness are increased a whole bunch and getting sick is the last thing they want for me. they even make me and my mom take a class at the hutch about "food safety" so i know how to prepare certain foods and what i can't eat when i go out. LAME. lamelamelamelamelamelamelame.

i know this stupid transplant is going to save my life, but god damnit... even though i'm not really going to be in a plastic bubble, that sure is what it's going to feel like for a long time. all i can say is, i better lose a lot of weight. hell, if i can go in the hospital and puke my guts up for a month, the least it can do for me is make me drop 20 pounds. that would make me happy. but, we'll see. the first time i got sick i lost 10 pounds and gained it back when i got better, but the last time i was in the hospital, the chemo didn't make me sick at all. in fact, it made me hungry, so i kept eating. grrrrrrr. stupid extra 10 pounds. it makes it extremely hard to go out dancing when none of my fucking club clothes fit me! ugh. i managed though. thank god for spandex and for the fact that i bought a skirt too big for me on purpose while i was working at the metro. i got it big so i could wear it around my hips... now it fits my tummy. ugh.

the weight will go away. lalala.

i'm rambling.

tomorrow i have an appointment at 4 at the hutch to talk to all of my doctors before i start radiation on wednesday. i'm not really looking forward to it, because i know they'll go over every possible horrible side effect and i'll start crying. again. stupid stupid stupid leukemia. mother fuck.


i was hoping to see colleen and justin one last time before i'm tubed, but after talking to leenie today... i better keep my distance. she sounded all snotted up and miserable, so, i'll let her enjoy her cold by herself. i wish i could see them, but, oh well. hopefully i'll do something fun tomorrow night. i keep trying to think of ideas, but none are coming to me. maybe i'll have a vision in my dream.... or not. i'd like to go shopping somewhere, but then i start thinking, why? what am i gonna do with anything that i buy? nothing. i can't buy clothes cause i don't know what's going to happen with my weight, and i'd like anything new to fit me when i'm all done. i can't go buy makeup (which i love so dearly) because it's not like i'm gonna be going anywhere that requires it for a long ass time. all i can buy is shit to keep me entertained in the hospital, and that just depresses me. stupid shopping. =P

maybe i should go get some new cd's and movies. the radiation doctors said that i can at least bring a cd with me while i'm having it done. i'll be in a room all alone, but there will be a cd player in there. so, yay, trent will get me through radiation.

i'm really not looking forward to having to stand up straight for a half an hour... but... i'll have trent. hehehe. i think after my 4th session i'll be able to sit. i don't remember. i shouldn't complain about standing, cause i'll be standing in front of lung blocks to prevent the radiation from hitting my lungs... and that's a good thing. i'm just a whiny little bitch.

the psychologist at the hutch said it was ok for me to vent and bitch, so... there. =P

ok, finally, i think i'm done. i was gonna send a whole bunch of emails out to people, but that will have to wait for tomorrow because i can finally feel my eyelids getting heavy.

hooray for sleeping on tummys, and hooray for sleeping in!

waterbed, here i come.
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