sarabear (sarabear) wrote,

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i've been bad... again. almost 2 months with no updates. heehee... ohwell. it would've been a whole bunch of me saying "today sucked, my tubes hurt, i hate being sick" so... there. yay! now i'm all caught up.

my tubes are out right now, thank god. they got all fucked up, actually physically *moved* underneath my skin, and stopped working for the last week i was receiving treatment. joy. i couldn't move my arm, and you could actually *see* the tube poking up from underneath my skin. it was so disgusting. i love needles sooooooo much that getting poked at the doctors office everyday for the last week was a treat. =P~ my platelets were so low that i was bleeding through the band-aids. *sniff*

but, that's over with. now i'm dealing with a new kind of hell... bone marrow transplant hell! mwahaha. this shit is scarier than any movie or story i saw/heard as a little kid. i've been signing consent forms all week saying "this drug has blahblahblah side effects and could cause liver failure, kidney failure, or possibly death. we're still not sure if it's truly beneficial because we've only been using it for a year, but if you don't use it, there's a really *BIG* chance you can die... but, of course, it's your choice... sign away!"

i've had appointments at the seattle cancer care alliance center for the past 2 days, i have to go back tomorrow and friday, and then next week i have to go in on tuesday *and* wednesday! i just want them to leave me alone and stop poking me for a couple of days. i feel violated, and there's only so much blood they can take from me, you know? it doesn't help that i'm scared to death of needles and every time they mention a blood draw i start crying... ugh

tomorrow will be evil. not only do i have to have a bone marrow aspiration (they stick a needle in your back/hip area and *suck* out the marrow), but i get to have a spinal tap as well. oh yes, you read that right, a fucking spinal tap. motherfuck. thank god for drugs, but they can't fully sedate me. i'll be loopy, but i'll be awake, and i haven't been able to stop crying.

you hear all of the success stories about people who have had transplants, and i know that the fred hutch center is the best place in the world to be... but sitting in a conference room with a doctor and having him tell me about all of the horrible side effects of the drugs that they'll be giving me, that i'll be sterile when this is all over, and all of the chances of death just isn't very comforting. what he should do is come out and say "hey sara, you're young and you're chances are REALLY good, so try to relax," but no, i get no such reassurance.

i need to stop writing about this for awhile.

let's seeeee...

zane went to japan for 2 weeks, and he came back with lots of hello kitty presents for me! yay! i wish i could read japanese though, because he bought me this hello kitty virtual pet thing, and the whole instruction booklet is in japanese. i think i have it figured out pretty well, but i know i'm missing something. the book has 20 pages in it, and i *know* there's a combination of buttons that i'm not hitting right. but, anyway, lots of hello kitty for me! i think he had a good time, but he said he missed me a lot, and that was really nice to hear =)

ahh, hello kitty always makes me feel better.

i've got tentative dates for this whole bone marrow thingie... on nov. 5th supposedly i go in and have my hickman line put back in my chest, on the 7th i start total body radiation, on the 10th i start chemo that's 5X's stronger than any of the shit i've had before, and on the 13th i get admitted and get my transplant. thank god i've got a donor, at least. actually, there are 3 people who are reallyreally good matches for me. the one we're going with as the #1 choice is a 23 year old female from germany. supposedly it's good that she's such a close match in age and that she's a female. i don't know why, but if the doctors say that it's good, it has to be good. right? yepyepyep.

ugh blah ick yuck. so, hrmm.. i don't know how well i'm going to be feeling after tomorrow. the bone marrow hurts like a motherfucker, and i've had that done 5 times before... but this whole spinal tap thing is really scaring me. i have to lay "as flat as possible" for the rest of the day, so there goes any plans for me to go out and be normal tomorrow night, and i know i'll still be in pain on friday. let's just hope saturday doesn't suck ass as much for me, or i'll have to cancel all plans then as well.

i miss all of my friends =(

time for bed (yeah, we'll just see if i can fall asleep!) and hopefully more happy news later, but not 2 months later.

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