sarabear (sarabear) wrote,

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5 and 1/2 hours to go...


this is gonna be a scattered entry. my brain is going a million miles per hour.

i'm supposed to be sleeping. but, i can't. tomorrow i go into the hospital for a lovely 7 days of chemo. yay.

tonight is my last night in my bed without me having that stupid fucking tube thing underneath my skin and popping out of my chest. EW.

i guess i haven't updated in awhile... yikes. and i really don't have time to do it now. i'll give a short summary though. last wednesday i had a meeting with the doctors at the fred hutch center in seattle. they're looking for a donor for me, and when they find one, i'll go into the fred hutch center for about a month (give or take a little depending on complications) to recieve an insane amount of chemo and radiation, which will most likely make me infertile, and then a bone marrow transplant. along with that comes all sorts of happy complications like organ failure, and the new white cells that the bone marrow produces actually attacking my liver, skin, and other organs because it might see me as a foreign object.

lovely, lovely news. but, i really have no other choice. if anybody is interested in getting tested to see if they're a match for me, or just to get listed on the national registery, email me and let me know... i have all the info, but i don't want to post it up here. it'll take up too much space.

the week of chemo that i'm going in for tomorrow is just to knock me back into a remission until they can find a donor for me. that way i won't have leukemic little white cells clogging up my bloodstream in the meantime.


why can't i be normal?!?!?!


the past week has been happy. my uncle came out to visit for a couple of days, and my family went out to dinner a LOT. i saw the tool concert with leenie last tuesday, which was pretty good, but very mellow. we had a skanky ass ho bitch sitting in front of us though, as well as a guy who *squeezed* in between me and the guy standing to my right. stupid fuckhead. =P that wasn't his seat. no meeting maynard, but, we had fun. we stuffed our faces at the metling pot before hand, where justin explained the wonders of fondue as if he was an instruction manual on tape. seriously, i haven't laughed that hard in a long time. the food was SO fucking good, that i made my uncle take my family there a couple nights later so we could all enjoy it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


go to the melting pot. go. go go go go go go go.

i've also got to hang out a lot with my best friend rob, who's up living here for a month or so before he goes back to art school in new york. he showed me the test copy of the nine inch nails dvd that he directed/edited and it looks *hot!* awesome shots, yepyepyep. he did a good job, and he says trent is happy. so yaaaaay for him. lucky bastard. i wanna work for trent reznor. =(

on saturday rob, zane, and i got all gothed up and went to the mercury. yaaay. that was fun for about, oh, 30 minutes. then the power went out, and that sucked donkey cock. =P but, ohwell. at least i got to say bye to some of my friends. kelly showed up for me =) that was really cool.

zane has been really wonderful lately =) he's been spending LOTS of quality cuddle time with me, and it's been so nice. i'm gonna miss that when i have the icky tube thing in my chest. *sigh* =P i love him =)

and last but not least, my family has been amazing. yepyepyepyepyep. going through this shit is so hard, and i'm really lucky to have such a loving family.

so, i guess this is gonna be it for awhile. PLEASE EMAIL ME while i'm in the hospital. you can call me there toooooo. and even better, you can VISIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't know what hospital room i'm gonna be in yet, or when my surgery is tomorrow... but, email me if you want to come visit or call, and i'll give you the #'s & info.

i feel like i have so much more to write down, but i will later. i probably won't update for a couple of days because after i get the tube put in my chest, my whole upper body is bruised and sore for a couple of weeks. =P it's icky.

i'm gonna miss you guys =(

i'm gonna miss being normal.

but, this is a new beginning for me. and after this, no more fucking cancer! fuck. =P

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