=~(
oh boy, where do i begin?

today i went to broadway so i could pick up my final paycheck and drop off my employee notebook at metro. nik seemed happy to see me... or at least that's the impression that i got. she said that she talked it over with carl and when i get better i'll have a job waiting for me if i want it. that was really sweet. =) she gave me the in-store credit for being star of the week, and i left before i started crying.

i had wanted to go walking around broadway to try and cheer me up a little, but my brother called my mom's cell phone and told us that my oncologist wanted us to meet with him at 2:30. sooooo, off to the doctor's office it was, considering it was 1:45 and the police had I-90 shut down for the blue angels to practice flying.

my whole family went to the doctor's office with me, and he told me a *little* more about what i'm to expect... basically what it comes down to:

* i go back to the hospital in about a week - week and a half to get the evil tube thing put BACK in my chest for yet *another* round of nasty-ass chemotherapy.

* sometime after my chemo i have to have radiation (i didn't have to have this before and i'm really scared!!)

this will kill all of the leukemic cells in my bone marrow for awhile

* meanwhile, the fred hutch cancer center is looking for a bone marrow donor for me, so when they find one, all of my bone marrow will be dead from the radiation and i go in to their hospital in seattle for at *least* a month so i can have a bone marrow transplant.

*sigh* =( =( =( =( =( =(

i *can* have visitors when i'm in the hospital getting chemo here in bellevue, but i won't be able to have visitors while i'm having my bone marrow shit done. this is because i won't have any white cells to fight off infection, and an infection could kill me. this is going to be a *LOT* more difficult than last time says my doctor... but, what other choice do i have, right? yeah...

next wednesday i have a meeting with the fred hutch people to find out more about the whole transplant process.

thank you SO much to the people who have offered to get tested to see if they're a donor match for me. unfortunately, my brother isn't a match, so they're looking at the national donor list right now. but, apparently there are a couple of hopefuls already picked out... i'm not sure. when i find out how people can get tested to donate, i'll let you all know. and even if they've already found a match for me... i'm sure there's somebody out there who needs a match just as badly as i do right now.

i'm trying to enjoy my week before going back to hell, but it's really, really hard. sometimes i'll be fine and just joking around with zane and my family, and then *boom* i'm bawling hysterically and i can't stop. going out in public is really hard right now.

hopefully i'll get to see all of my friends before i go back... but please remember i *can* have visitors when i'm in the hospital getting chemo, and visitors brighten my day.

*hugs* for now

*sara*